Recollection 4

My development started on july. My mental health and life structure was so complex that i ruined each of my friendship, left all and started therapy. Didn't speak to my bf for an entire month. But i told him before leaving, unlike him. I finally started getting better. Started surrounding myself with people who first, value themselves and bring peace not chaos. Which my friend group lacked the most. I didn't replace my lover cuz of many reasons. But disciplined my life as much as possible. He showed he was doing better but he wasn't. He had his Journey and only he would understand his pain, not me. But i understand him more than him. Every disorder, syndrome and mental issues that caused him to do these, every pattern he repeats to ease himself and to fight back his messed up mind. Every stress, depression and anxiety behind his actions. I knew them all cuz i researched to ease my own mind. By this point, it wasn't love. It was a situationship. I needed someone to love me, so did he. I wasn't the best but i tried. I have faults in our relationship but i am the mature one who owned up them and became better. Apologized after every issues caused by me or him. I made up each time we fell apart. The bond became a trauma bond and i was in intermittent reinforcement. I loved for who he was but through time i realised i just loved what he provided for me more than him. he did too. He was never the boyfriend material. He never understood the real connection behind love. He wanted a best friend who can see through him while i wanted a lover. I figured it before but wasn't capable to let him go. I felt like it was my duty to provide for him too. It bacame those unwanted but together old marriage thingy. He still the bad sides of him he was. I still have a bit of that in me but less effective. So briefly, i did not leave him for his current situation. It's for my peace. I still keep thinking he'd abandon me next year for 6 months this time. He might say a lot but he doesn't show it anymore. There was a time he did. Now it just feels like empty space. Idk what's inside of him. But as far as i see. I did enough and i still do from myself. No ine ever had to ask unless it's really needed. I understood, noticed small details and pleased them cuz it also gave me happiness to see them happy. It hurts now...to see that person becoming so distant. He stopped sharing about his day, thoughts and other stuffs like, months ago...like i said, unless i ask, he doesn't show or say. I have tears in my eyes while I'm writing these. I didn't forget anything. I just remember too much. The days when he'd say goodnight, love you shona. Those still flash in my eyes. The way he'd sent his voice messages giving me loving sweet words that I'd replay again and again. Those calls where he'd actually stare at me and talk instead of staring at his games. The days he'd request to have a date night tho we had to align all the planets for that. The drawings, the songs, the hugs and kisses he'd give on his own. The safety i felt in his arms. They weren't a thing everyday. But it was everything for me. If i could have that, id still wait for months. I love him that much. But now he leaves and doesn't even say why or where he went unless i ask him. Am i..wrong? To ask my lover to love me..? Or am i a fool who doesn't see that he grew out of it? I am sorry. But i cannot continue to suffer from something like this anymore. Hope you understand this someday. I rather not have the privilege than having empty connection. Miss communication ruined another relationship. Thank you for making me who i am today and sorry for every damage you ever faced in these 2 years.