16th If i could fix it all

This might be seriously traumatizing so, if u can't handke it, then don't read it. I'm not sure how i should say it but. I've been crying for hours. Screaming for death. Death to eat me alive, burn me alive or at least tge ground to eat me. My sickness got 3 times worse. I had to go to get groceries since worker is working and my mother is sick. Came back to again, chaos. Even the damn shopping place was messed up. As if everything would end today so every person is at the shop. Can't even stand and beggers? They wear fancier stuff than me and walking around and all the shop keepers were mad. My favorite shop? Gone just..gone. i just stared at it hopelessly. They left. The worker was in the store beside, i just wanted to cry there. I brought almost everything plus more. Met some foreign people too. Some shopkeepers love me so they gave me first and told the other ladies that they are damn lazy and all. Some were making me wanna hit their faces. Then after bringing everything, i saw my mother didn't do anything nothing at all. Then kept pestering me for doing more and more. I forgot about some pills cuz nor did i write it, nor did i had the condition to remember in the crowd. But i brought my stuff. My whole body is aching,countless sneezes and high fever. My bf is sick too. Badly- i still did all my works including cutting chickens and fishes and throwing all the water cuz THIS women didn't. Then after almost fainting 20 times and drinking tons of saline, water- i finished all my works and couldn't even get up. Then she started saying #hit to me for NOT checking if i took everything in. The wirker left the shovel outside and...it's my fault? I already came late and still did everything SHE was supposed to. I didn't even eat cuz of pain. I'm sick of existing. My head just recalls every good moment i had with everyone, copping mechanism ig..i don't talk to god at all. Idk who has what explanation. He ruined my entire life since childhood. What was my fault? That i didn't commit s#ic#de when i was 5? That i believed in myself? That i tried to live? There was a point when even my 14 years old bf had gotten a women to adopt me cuz my life was at the edge. The moments when my own father would call and talk in a soft tone, hang out with me, not act like my mother- runs through my head. The moments I'd run into my cousins house to play. The moments I'd be excited to meet my school friends, to dress up and go out,they turned into isolation, no calls, no relations, no schools, no friends, fearing to see anyone, fearing if someone calls, comes, says anything or anything. To my mother i am a robot, not human. She treats her son like he's a gift from god and me like I'm a curse. She never hugged me, never said i did something good unless she was trying to bribe me. Kids love when their grandparents come, i fear and get depressed cuz all they do is say #hit and use me more than my mother. What if i was born into my cousins family? Would she still annoy me? Would they still treat me like cinderella? Cuz i don't see my cousins getting treated like that. I close my eyes and just think I'm in a different world, to escape this tragical life where i wake up to curse and sleep to curse. Where people would check on me by themselves, would hold me,talk, play and love me just the way i do. Did i ask for too much? Any good thing anyone ever says or does, repeats in my head all the time. Cuz i can't explain how much that matters to me. How much living hurts...i put my hands on thr ground again but, this time i didn't ask for forgiveness, i asked for help. I asked the mother, the land, the heart of the world to save me, although I'm not good enough or perfect, i asked it to save my soul. My works and my mother's inconvenience ruined my life. My education, mental and physical health, passion, freedom, rights and everything, even the fact that I'm a human. I barely get an hour to sit down, i write my journal and talk to me bf. I want a life with peace. Not luxury, not a big mansion with a handsome man and a perflife, just peace. Somewhere i can sleep saying I'm free, alive and well. Where i can wake up and care for myself. Where i can walk out and sit in front of the fields and breathe, the heavy pain and discomfort leaving me. They say, god gives u paid and lessons cuz he knows only u can handle what he gives u to handle. Maybe, I'm meant to die by torture since 30+ attempts didn't work. If i could at least have a person to who'd call my name,ask how i am and hear me, be there when they can, share their love and care with me, hold me when I'm broken and stay even if I'm a mess, that's the love i crave..I've been the one who asked, begged and gave myself away to get it. Maybe i just, don't deserve it. Maybe, cruelty is the answer for me. Maybe in my previous life i did something so horrifying that I'm going through this. My only gift is I'm a analyzer, thx to my pathetic life and i can feel whatever that's gonna happen before it happens. If any of u relate to this, I'm sorry but, I'm here with u. You're not fighting alone, crying and dying inside alone, and fir those who stayed for me and with me, thank you everyone. None of u would ever realise that i stay alive because of you guys. Stsy healthy and safe, don't take life for granted, it only comes once and not everyone, has what u have, but always, try for better. Not with greed and selfishness, out of love and appreciation. Thank you.