My Mental health

Heads up, it's emotional Yeah that means body is functioning again but it also means I'm going back to my old coldness. I'd tell briefly whatever tf is going on in my head. Telling me exactly how each of my friendships from childhood was and how it ended. How i tried a lot but never saw them again. How i always shared everything i had and helped them with everything i could just be discarded whenever they choose to. How much i loved them and how i can't figure out why this happened. From play group to high school. Then my love life. How each relationship ended in which pattern and for what. How my passion feels worthless and my talent feel useless. How there's no escape or future in my eyes and no desire left in my life. How much would i explain? Behind my gentle care is a broken heart begging myself to stop thinking and just accept that it is what it is and move on? How would i make someone understand that i just want to sleep in peace, wake up to peace? Holding someone and saying it's okay, I'm safe and loved? Idk..Am i too much? Am i that traumatized? Idk..I thought Since my bff is being nice and ik him maybe i can work it out again. But it didn't hit me back that our past MY past is much more messed up. Ik things are in the past but this head of mine wouldn't stop calculating every possibility there is to get hurt and everything that could break my heart? When would this stop? I'm my own problem so the only solution is me aswell. Sorry I'm too weak and pathetic to be a friend or lover. But thank you for still staying here for me