What is Life?

Update.. How am i? In the stage where u hate and question why u even exist and why you even try to live things that is breaking you everyday and just avoiding the truth to not feel more pain. Too much, wayyyy too much. Mother started my morning with yelling and accusations and demanding explanation of things to the point i just stare at her, being disappointed at myself. I have comd allergies so dust, wind and all are just making it 3x worse. LET ME DIE FOR HELL'S SAKE... I need shift everything about me AGAIN..it seems scary but i have no choice. I try, again and again yet, i only get lies, broken promises and more pain to lose the left over crumbs to even fight for it. Yeah it's not worth it. Loving someone knowing how bad it can get and how much i need to endure and give for lies. Yeah I'm sounding hopeless but this heart is just done after a billion tries. I've already lost the will to dress up, call, talk, go out, eat, skincare and much more. I don't even feel like a human. I don't even feel worthy of being one with such low self esteem and such bad mindset. Can't remember anything so i just read my own journals to see. Yeah it's getting worse and worse. Even if i don't get my dream, at least i hope i die in peace. I'm sick of putting up, being there, doing things that aren't my responsibility nor my interest. Putting up and staying shut. What am i scared off? What does she have AGAINST me? If i die rn would any of these matter? I payed back for everything that she did for me with almost 20 years of my life. There's nothing left. I'm traumatized that's all. My mind stops working and my heart starts pounding. I feel like something is coming for me to change things, idk wth it isbut i want to give these 2 like a billion dollars and just LEAVE. Forever and i wouldn't return. I love the land but i am more important than tradition or anything. Holding onto whatever that just hurts me and is killing me, isn't home, love or family. I'm just being delusional. My mind isn't working about I'd get out so, whatever is coming, i hope it's about me getting a way out and freakin leave (Once again so.. sorry.. i am STILL frustrated)